i feel terrible.

if only i could just jump to my death now.

if only.

no one will care.

nor weep.

and i.

have been a burden to you.

for so long.

so long.

i wish i have the courage to give u a hug now.

when u are just right infront of me.

but.

i'm so afraid of rejection.






so afraid.

I I love you I really do. But it hurts . Hurts me so much to see this. afterall I mean nothing to you I know. It really hurts. Why can't you spare a thought for me. I hate you. I hate you.

I want o tell u so much. I can't hang on anymore. It's too much to take. E reason y u can give me up so easily. Is obv. U didn't love me. U didn't love me at all. N u will never know hw much it hurts. Becos u will nv know hw it feels to b given up by someone u cherish so much. I'm really disappointed with u. With love. Cos it seems like tt one n a half yr. Was all a dream. I cut myself last night. Again. U will never know hw much it hurts . I m so tempted to take my own life. Nw. There's no pt. In hanging on. When everyday is a pain. Jo. Dear. I'm sorry. I got hurt too deeply this time. I'm leaving to a place whhere I will b v v happy. Don worry. I lve. Ubguys.

baby...

hope you are having lotsa fun there. hope this break will make you feel much better.
i wished i could be there with you.

stayover at your house on thurs.
during the stay over.
i did not really want to play mahjong.
the reason being is. i just want to close my eyes. and feel the room once again.
every corner of the room, is filled with our memories.
the table in the front of your bed,

has the sushi set i made for you.
the house money coin bank we painted together while waiting for our movie at ang mo kio.
the house with 24p painted on it. which i took really long to complete.
your glass cupboard, has the big card jiayou maye on it.
dear, that was the first card i did for you. you were always looking down in school. and with all the stress from bmt as well.
i swear that was the first card i ever did to someone.
i did not know why i did it for you.
even at the start of the school semester.
i just knew, i was upset when you were.
remembered you were pretty touched at that time.
it was weird. how i didn't dare to face you directly to pass you the card.
i guess, i starting liking u then.

in your glass cupboard, there is the candle wax glsas cup we did together. as well.
in your glass cupboard, i saw the bottle of stars i folded for you. painstakingly, but it seems like it has just been left there. unnoticed.
there is also the bottle. the first bottle i bought for you, with m&n inside. because you mentioned eating chocolates made you happier.

apart from all these material stuffs, when i closed my eyes that day. many other things came to my mind.
how we used to rot on the bed for the entire day.
how we used to beg and plead each other for 1/4 to 2/4 to 3/4 and finally 4/4.
how we used to have cca all around.
ur desk. chair..
it just brought back so much memories.
i wish to tell you.

how i cherish all these memories.
with you alone.


you must come back safely, dear.
i miss you alot.
i've been thinkin the whole 2 days.
what you are doing.
whether you are safe.
whether i actually did cross your mind throughout the days.

no matter whether you miss me,
dear, i want to say.
the way i miss you now, is not any less. than before.
it's so strong that it can suffocate me.
and i'm serious.
i love you, baby.

most importantly, i miss you.

sighs.

baby, recently you have been very upset with me.
pissed with me.
and today you even asked if i'm stupid or what.
it was hurting.
really. hurting so badly i swear i would never want to talk to you.
but when i came back. i started worrying for you.
missing you.

sorry.
you seem so tired.
so tired that i'm still holding on to you.
sorry.

i really didn't know.
you feel this way.
although i feel bad.
although i want to give you up.
i cant do it baby.

perhaps, when we really have a break.
perhaps, when i'm really gone from your side.

will we treasure each other more.
than what i'm to you right now.

i'm hoping for a miracle.
baby,
we have been through so much.
dont, dont give us up. thoroughly.

怎麽会开始对你有了感觉?

我曾深刻体会　对爱感到胆怯　还好有懂我的你给我安慰
看你失落的脸　又在为爱憔悴　我心痛的感觉竟如此的强烈
眼角的泪　它给过谁
伤透了心　也无所谓
我会愿　静静的　陪在你身边
如果说爱　已不可为
那我宁愿　藏心里面
其实我害怕会失去你的感觉　哦~哦~
怎麽会开始对你有了　感觉
又深怕朋友默契转身　不见
矛盾著　犹豫不决　没準备　跨越爱的界线
怎麽会开始对你有了　感觉
深陷朋友恋人之间的　危险
进与退　被爱包围　谁犯规　都狼狈
谁能解围　让一切完美
怎麽会开始对你有了　感觉
又深怕朋友默契转身　不见

i dont know when i started feeling so much for you.
baby, i love u.

baby, i wished our trip was much longer.

back from tw.
these 7 days, were beautiful. not because we spent it with them. but because, i felt closer. closer to you after the trip.
thanks for lending me your legs to lie on when i vomitted and felt really sick at the night market.
thanks for giving up the chance to shop for more clothes just to be there with me.
thanks for letting me hold your hand while i was on the ferries wheel.
thanks for taking such great care of me.
thanks for letting me lie on your bed everynight with you. thanks for poking my face to wake me up when i fall asleep on your bed. they were simple actions but yet, i really cherish it.
thanks for stroking my head when i felt unwell. when i cried because of what the man did to the old lady.
thanks for touching my stomach. and rubbing them when i felt really unwell.
thanks for constantly looking at me and asking if i'm okay.
thanks for giving me the jacket when you were having goosepimples even.

i'm sorry for touching you always by your waist when we were there.
i just felt. that the break-up did not occur.
i could feel the feeling between us.
or maybe it was with me only.

but that night when you packed my luggage for me.
the way u looked at me.
makes me wanna hold you so tightly.
makes me not want to return to singapore.

baby, u made me fall deeper in love with you after the trip again.
you made me want to see you each and every day.
i'm leaving in 2 weeks time.
and i'm dreading.
crying.
because, i want to see you and be with you.
i dont want to leave your side even a single day.


i wish i could tell you how i still do feel for you.
how strongly i love you.
how strongly i want to protect you.
how strongly i want to pamper you this life.

in tw, whenever u say u like something, i wil not hesitate to buy.
the bracelet, the hanging thing in the jar of water.
the sea shells. that were on display but i could not afford them so i m trying to make them myself.
i just want to pamper you.

i may not be the best.
but i'm trying.
i want to make you feel happy.
feel safe.


baby, if only u know all these.
i love you, honey.

went kbox today.
sang songs like wo ke yi.
sang songs like cai hong.
it meant something to me.
and when i was singing it,
i was peeking at you throughout.

do you remember, once, we were at kbox.
you were singing wo ke yi.
and i hugged you from the back.
you started tearing.
and i felt so touched and blissful.
we kissed.
dear.

the time you sang cai hong to me,
you changed the lyrics.
for me.
you were going to the 9 days obs adventure camp.
the song,
accompanied me.
the time u weren't with me.
dear.

i miss you.
i miss you baby.
i love you, alot.
i love you. honey.

dear, you mentioned. you have the rights to see anyone. have the rights to move on. and it's unfair for you. it does hurt.
that night, in my heart. i never want to talk to you again. i never wanted to see you again. those words. does hurt alot. dear. not loving someone alr, doesn't mean you can hurt me like this.

and i want to tell you.
i have the rights.
to love you.

and it's something, you cannot have control over. sorry.

I forgot how it feels to be happy. How it feels to be in your arms. I wish I have the courage to ask you to be back by my side. I am willing to take carre of u for life.

We quarreled today. Dear was in e yellow box. I was scared that u will feel scared. Becos I rmb how u had an accident in the same scenario. So I asked you to move to the next lane.. I'm sorry I didn't know there were pedestrian. I swear. I just. Wanted u to stay calm n got flustered myself. U were really angry with mE. After we alighted, I asked bee not yo' be angry anymore. But bee yelled for me not to talk abt it anymore. I was really upset. Dear. And I still am. Always after we quarrel, I will take the iniatiative to make it up with u. But dear, this time I won't. U know, after we got together, I do think alot about our future. Think of wanting to love u forever. Wanting to live with u forever. Dear, initially when we started out, we often quarrel about me not daring to hold your hands. Not daring to hold u in public. Dear, I want I wish if I could turn back time, I will tell everyone we r together. Because, I'm proud of u. I don't know when's the next time we"ll talk again. But dear, I don't want to. Always be the one. It's hurting alot inside. Soon, I will be leaving. I... Wish I have the courage to hug u before I leave. I have just so much to tell you. I miss you, dear.

feeling upset. really upset now.
why is that. whenever you are out. whenever you have things planned out.
i seem to. be not important at all.
you will always just leave me aside.
not wanting to reply.
not caring.
i met with alot of problems today.
hoping that you will be by my side.
msged you. and i waited. waited for exactly 7 hours and 10 mins.

and u went missing again.
and replied saying.
i'm tired, i slp first k.

dear, why cant you care more for me.
dear, why cant you ask me what happened and offer to help.
it has been long.
since i last cried.

i care for you so much.
and i'm always by your side when you need me.
always helping you when you have problems.
i thought,
i thought you would too.

but it's all me and myself. being silly.

i'm disappointed.
i'm.

I can't fight this feeling any longer. What started out as friendship has grown stronger. But I'm afraid to tell you I still love you dearly. Perhaps, when my love for you is this strong, the things I do. Can be repulsive to u. Sigh. Dear, I don't mind loving you more than how much u love me. I don't. I love u, baby.

dear, wo xi huan ni.

exams are coming again. but why is it that my entire mind is filled with you today. of the times in the tpy cc. the things we did in there, together. the feelings. baby, if you know, i'm missing you every single day. thinking of the times we spend every single day. will you one day, be touched.



wo ai ni. hen duo.
wo xi huan ni.

We havent been quarreling these days, did you realise?

It has been quite some time, since we quarreled, dear. it's a good start i guess.
Xz is quite affected. but i really just want to spend all my time with you. i will always make time for you.
whenever it is, in the past, and even now.
dear, i wish you could just.
just tell me you want to spend some time with me.
but i'm afraid i will start another quarrel with you.

sighs.

happy 29 months, baby.

Dear. It's 1st of may 2010 . My love for you, officially turns 2 years and 5 months today. and it's still going strong. I can't give you up. Remember i once told u abt me wanting all the riches in life. without you, nothing matters at all. You are my all. In u, I see my existence. In you, I found myself. In you, I found someone. Someone whom I never thought I would fall innlove with in the first place. In you, I found my purpose in life. I'm serious about you. Baby, happy 2 years n 5 months.

French- kissing.

I'm thinking about you again. Reading through my lecture notes for 04 now. Flipped through a page and m reminded of you once again. I remembered when he was mentioning about it during lecture, I really wished you could be by my side. The brain contains the sensory part. Large amount of it is by the lips. That's why when pple kiss, it's full of emotions n feelings. Baby, I remembered the first time we kissed was because I was being naughty. I wanted so hard to melt the mentos in your mouth. And unknowingly we kissed. French kissed. It was great. When our tongues interlocked. Gradually we would kiss whenever I get to send u home. On the buses. In the toilets. At the roof top which I passed the h5 kissing test set by you, dear. And even passionately every cca. When I close my eyes, I can still feel the way my tongue massaged yours. The way our tongues twirled and interlocked. Dear, actually today. When you were looking at the map. I was looking at your lips. I was tempted really to want to give you a peck. Dear, all these, I have not forgotten. I miss you. I miss you lots.

baby,sorry.

Went out with bee for lunch at yuki yaki. Yeah. It was a short trip. But girl, I enjoyed it alot. I can't wait for my exams to be over. So that we can go out for a longer time. Baby, I love you. You are off to ntu now. Wishes that u won't just leave me aside once again. I'm afraid, really. Baby.

Was talking to K. he said i would have something to look forward to after taiwan. and that's really cool.
but to me, i'm not looking forward to the LA trip at all. this trip, symbolises many things. perhaps i wil be able to forget you dear. and move on with my life after i return. however, i could be worse. because i know. i cannot live without seeing you for a day. a week. moreover 2-3 weeks. dear, if i'm not there. remember me.

xz, loves you.
in the past,
now.
and many many years from now.

i'll be loving you.

All i wanted to do , was to fly to school. to be there, right by your side.

Xz did something really silly today. Bee messaged to say that she was waiting alone. In school and she arrived too early. The next thing I did was to speed to school. Weaving between cars, going at 90 on a normal road. I didn't think that much. All that was in my mind was I needed to be there for you. I want to root you on. I need to see you. Was disappointed because i couldn't get a car park lot. All I could do was to call you, and said jiayou. Sighs. I'm actually waiting for u to MSG and talk to me. I guess, it's not going to happen. Sighs. Sorry. I m being silly again...

With every day....

Bee, jiayou jiayou. Tmr is the last day k? Hang on k. Look around you. I'm always around you. Today, We spent the day in school. With u, I have experienced many new things. I never expected myself to lie and sleep on the sofa in school. Today, we did. I didn't want to sleep while you were. I like to watch you. Watch you play badminton, watch you perform. And even watch you while you are sleeping. When I woke you up. You gave the same look as you did, when I tried to wake you up at your house. I wish I could sit beside you. Touch ur head, and tell you. Baby, sleep soundly. Dear is looking and watching you. I never expected myself to feel like this today as well. It just felt close again. Me sitting near to you, studying, hitting you thighs at times, testing you the questions.. Baby, although we did not managed to hit the two year mark, I'm still counting. Because with every day, throughout this 2 years n 4 months, there were times I doubted my love for you. Times I wanted to give you up, because we were always arguing. But what I rember of our love, were the happy moments. Hot, sweet moments. With every day, I'm even more sure of how I feel for you. Perhaps, it's too late to realize how deeply I love you. Sighs. Baby, it wasn't easy for me to fall so hot over heels for you. It's definitely not easy to find someone I love and wishes to treasure and protect this much. I always thought I would want the one I love to protect me. But u changed it all. I wish to be your someone, whom can walk you through everything. Baby, sorry. Perhaps it's too late to realize it only now. I will always love you. Laopo.

In the library now.. You seem to be sleeping soundly.. I took a few shots of you secretly. I always loved looking at you when you are sleeping. Bee jiayou.. I know you can do it. I love u. Sleep well.

Knowing you, is a blessing. and it still is.

Everyday, fragments of our memories. Our dates . Will come to my mind. Today, it's different. To think back, things between us seems like it's meant to be. The first time I meant you. Was in the aj school hall. That day, I was accompanying my friend for the badminton trial. I saw you. The first impression I had of you. It's that you are really cool. Looking. Of course, then you appeared in the bio lab for our first class meeting. I was happy. But you didn't seem to want to communicate with me. So I had to talk to you. Online. Amazingly, the first time we talked. It was me asking you how to get to geylang. Things progressed between us. I realized how I love talking to you. How I love going out with you. How I always want to find oportunities to go out with u alone. I cherish those times I had with you. Baby, knowing you is the best thing. That happened to me. I count my blessings. I love you.

Completed another paper together today. It wasn't easy for mine. I guess, it wasn't easy for you. While I was doing. Part of me, was thinking of the you. How you were doing over there. Sorry for making you stand at a spot with flies. Dui bu qi.. I was feeling very down. Actually. But when I saw you standing at e car park, I smiled. Like always. I wish to tell you how imortant your presence meant to me. Had lunch tgt at sakae. Bee, sorry. I won't be angry for no big reasons anymore. I can feel the change in me. And I truly hope you can too. You are an important part of me. You influence my liking. Liking for food. Liking for people. And many others. I have no idea how you became so important in my life. I have no idea how i managed to fall so deeply in love with you. Perhaps, everything between us. Is just. Unknowing. Baby, jiayou for the rest of the paper. I'm sure you can feel my support. Turn around, you will always see me behind you. :)

Bee has an exam tmr. I know she will do just fine... I know. Bee, we'll be fighting together. In different exam venues. We are doing it together. I hope I can be your strength to go on. Although I know you don't need me. Preetty down today. Sigh. Saw on fb, how you write and reply to the others on your wall. It makes me feel down. Because, you never do speak to me like that. You never do talk to me. Never taking initiative. Baby, perhaps I'm really not important in your heart. Perhaps I no longer have a place. No matter what, no matter how things changes. You will always be my baby. Deep down I know. No matter what happens, I will never walk out of u. I will stand by you. Give me the courage to face all of these. Dear, jiayou. While you are studying now, someone is missing you dearly. Dear, you can do it, becus like before. I have so much faith in you. Good night, miss you.

i think, i have really fallen in love with you.

decided to blog again. i cant concentrate on my work, with you constantly on my mind.

Dear, why did you give up on us. why didn't you try to fight for our love.
it really hurts to hear you have gotten over me. that you no feel and love me. that you no longer need me.
It pains me the most, to see that you are able to visualize, to lead a life without me.
because, i cant.
the day we broke up, i felt something in me was lost.
and now, i still am not able to find myself back.
i cant.
you made me believe that promises are meant to broken.



baby, i dont blame you.

i just hope somehow, this heart of mine.
will learn to be good.
to be contented.
because, i can still miss and love you from afar.


7 months. without you.
it's the longest 7 months of my life.

nothing's gonna change my love for you, xoxo.

jiayou bee.

Had our first paper today. i was feeling a little lost when i came out.
but spending time with you, made me feel much better.
you know, every time i feel down, every time i feel upset.
i just have to think of you.
the words you say.
it gives me so much comfort, and strength.
i dont know why. but it's amazing. amazing how you can always cheer me up.

bee, do you remember the day, we checked our pw results together?
that day, i was so down.
and i spent the entire day, in your arms.
crying in your arms.
when i close my eyes now.
i can still hear the words you say. the warmth you gave.
even till now, i can feel it. so strongly.
dear. thanks.

everyday when i think about the love we shared.
when i think of about you. i will miss you so much.
so dearly.
everything that i see, reminds me of you.
in the night, when i see the moon. i will be reminded of the times we spend sitting at the stairs in Tpy. looking at the moon, trying to figure out what figures there are in the moon. i will be reminded of the times i feel uncomfortable at the stairs. and you will always be there. i will be reminded of the pact you made for me, with the moon.

i miss the times we used to watch movies in the cinemas. you know, those times, i was not watching the movie at all.
all i cared about, was me being able to hold your hands throughout the movie. all i cared about were the occasional eye contacts in the cinema that made my heart raced, so fast. at times, i just want to pull your body so close to mine, so that i could kiss you. and hug you throughout the show. at times, in the movie, we will get intimate.

baby, everyday that i spent without you. i thought it will be easier to forget you. i thought the feelings will fade away. but no, baby it's not. it's getting harder everyday. to get over you. and the many many things we shared together.

Bee. Good night. Jiayou for exams tmr. Hope you will be sitting somewhere I can see you tmr. Like always, I will bring e ring u gave. It gives me power. I'm quite upset now. Becos you didn't see what I had to say. N just typed a okay good night hastily. Bee, it matters a lot to me. I don't know if you treasure me. Becos sometimes, I feel I have been too good. To you. Always taking iniatiative to talk to u. Caring for you. Alot. But it feels like. I have not been treasured. When I'm not around, will you realize and miss my presence? Bee, no matter what. No matter how silly I sound. Wo hao xi huan ni. Ye Xiang yi bei zi shao gu ni. Ai hu ni. I don't know If I have a chance anymore. If I do, I will never treat you like I did. Never let you go anymore. I guess. I have matured. Iloveyou.

Bee, how's your stomach? Sighs. You do look pale just now. Similarly. Everytime I get to see you. I do count my blessings.. I wish. I can see you each and everyday. Tmr is the first day of our exams. Baby, I have faith in you. Sighs. Something keeps going over n over again, in my mind. I don't know if it is e right choice to leave for la. I'm afraid when I return, u will fall for someone else. I'm afraid, instead of trying to forget you. I will realize I cannot live a day without talking to u. I'm very afraid. Bee. I wish I can tell you how I truly feel. Abt everything.

How are you feeling? I'm worried that your gastric acted up again. Why didn't you call me? I was waiting by the phone. Do you still remember, because of your gastric, you often had to go to the sick bay. And everytime without fail. I would be by your bed. Touching your forehead. Stroking your hair. My hands will run down your face, that looked so pale everytime. Occasionally, I would give you a peck on your forehead or even on your lips. Telling you to wait for me, because I have to go for lessons that I can't skip. Baby. U were always there when I felt sick too. Our first night date in sentosa. I felt really sick. And it was you. Baby. You sheltered me from the night wind. And assured me I will be okay. It was that night, ur urge to kiss me came about. Perhaps it was our weakness of e body, that really brought us closer. I want to always be there for you. Showing you how much, I truly love you. I'm worried. In that half a month when I'm not by your side, will you fall for someone else. Will you fall ill. Will you feel bored. I have never ventured out of your sight before. Baby . I know I will miss you. Dearly. And I wish this short separation might. Make you miss my presence. I love you. I really do. If I don't make it back, baby, don't grieve. I love you. It will not change no matter where I will be.

Baby, hope you are resting well now. It has been so long since i ever got a chance to by your side in e morning. Hugging you while you are still sleeping. Soundly. Stroking your hair, kissing you on your forehead. Touching your body. Giving you a morning kiss. I miss you. I love it when you dread to wake up. That's why we will always lay in bed the entire day. Just with you, in my arms. I cherished those times alot. What about you, Do you? I thought I could escape from this heartache, but I have fronted long enough to know. There ain't no way. I miss you.... The day when you came back after e 9 days obs. We spent e entire day on the bed. You were crying in my arms. And we hugged so tightly. Baby, that time I made a vow to myself. I will never leave u to fend for yourself. Never leave you alone. Even if it is gg to be difficult, I will hold your hands.

you chose to leave me, baby. I know there's no one that can love you so much like me. Perhaps, I loved you wrongly. But I truely. Love you. Laopo.

Sorry for losing it again. I don't mean it. Don't be upset. I just yearned to see you so much. I dont mean totake it out on u. Baby. I need you. <3

I'm very upset....... I'm. It has been 3 days. N you want to stay home again. I wish u know how I feel for you. How much i'm going crazy. Thinking about you, missing you. I guess. I have never crossed your mind. Never. Dear. It hurts alot. U r hurting me alot..........

Baby, I waited a few hours for your reply. Where are you? I want to message you. But I'm afraid u will be put off and get irritated. I miss you. Baby.... Can u hear me. Dear misses you.

Didn't get to see you again. Sighs. Becos u want to stay at home alone.. I wanted to tell you right then. Dear, I miss you lots. I do.

sorry

throughout the days, i have changed your contact in my sim card, many times.

to bee. back to your name. to bee and back to your name again.

and today, i just changed it back to bee.

as long as i dont let you see it, i guess. you will not be angry.

i'm sorry for sending the msges abt me missing you and all.

and it got you upset again.

sighs. so from now onwards, i'll just speak my thoughts here.

but still, it's on this space, where i can call you baby.

Sighs.

baby, it doesn't matter if you dont love me. as long as i know i love you.

i love you. but i guess i will not make my feelings known to you, at least for now.

i rather keep it to myself.

even if i know, doing this will only hurt myself even more.

i dont want to let this heart, that loves you so much. ruin the friendship.

i know, if you know i havent been able to let go of you.

i know, if you know i still love you deeply,

you will leave my life immediately.

telling me it's for my own good.

i only wish that, in the future. in time to come, baby, you will not hate me. when you realise how much i love you.

i hope you will not hate me. for deceiving and putting up a false front in front of you.

yes it does hurt alot.

but baby, i guess it will not hurt as much as.

letting go of our love.

all i want to do,

is to stay by your side.

just woke up.

sighs. i'm sorry. i shouldn't have sent those messages to you.

Last night i dreamt of you. when i saw you from far away, and i went to approach you. you were fading away. it seems to only happen in shows. but i actually dreamt of it. right in my dreams.

I always dream of you. and i love to dream of you.

because in my dreams, i can do many things i cant in the reality.

things like hugging you. sweet-talking you. holding you in my arms.

i find myself thinking about those beautiful moments, spent with you.

As the day passes, my love does not seem to fade away, but it goes stronger. it goes deeper. and it takes a higher level. because i love you, even though you dont. even though i know we may never be together again. but i still love you. My heart will love no one else, but you baby.

My heart will always belong to you, dear.

you are my life.

you taught me how to love like i never loved before.

many times at night, i cry.

i tried to hold on to the memories, but it cannot feel the missing you in my heart.

and it gets really bad every night. i never used to understand why you would cry at night while we were still dating, because you missed me so dearly.

and now i finally do. it's the kind of helplessness. that we want someone so much. and yet, it's not possible.

Indeed, the pain you have caused me is unbearable. The times you hugged me so tightly to ask me not to leave you. the times you held me so tightly and promised you will never leave me for the rest of my life. baby. in the end you left xz. and the most hurting part is, you no longer feel anything for me baby. it's ironic. you are my one and only happiness, yet at some times you were my only sorrow. deep down, i know all of these, lies with me and all i can ask silently is your forgiveness. i shouldn't have lacked trust and been paranoid in whatever you do. i shouldn't have held you back when you wanted to do something you really like. i have not felt for anyone i feel for you. this time is different. i cant find myself back at all. you have changed me alot and i have become all yours. now that baby you are gone. i seem to lost it. all of me.

It's with you, that i'm happy. It's with you, i'm truly myself. and it's with you, that i know what i really want in my life. true, life was on-going for me, even before you appeared in my life. but it was never this happy. it was never this meaningful. and i never felt my heart, feel so strongly for someone, missing someone this much, every single day knowing baby doesnt feel for me anymore.

Maybe someday, our paths will be linked up once again. Maybe it wont.

Although it has been 7months, since we broke up. i still feel strongly for you. i want to fetch you everyday. i want to have meals with you. i long to see you every single minute. and i do take our photos, to view everynight.

The times we spent together, can never be replaced.

i know, i've lost the special place in your heart.

But to me, as long i'm still here.

You will always be my special one.

the one whom i'll always love dearly.

xiaozhan xoxo baby.

baby, i wish you can hear all these.

went for the travel fair together with you yesterday. i'm so glad we got it all settled. because i yearn to go overseas with you. one thing that is bothering me alot. is that i cannot share a room with you. it was our goal. to go overseas, to share a hotel room together. the other time, we were still together but we did not have a chance to. now, we have. yet, i know, baby you arent here anymore. i'll cherish the time i have with you because i do not know, when i will leave for canada. we took photos tgt, at sakae. and i was leaning really close to you. i love being close to you. and till now, i've looked at the photo, countless time. Although there are three of us in the photo, i only saw just you and me.

baby,

iwish you care.

care and say you mind. you mind us staying in the same room.

i wish you care.

i've been crying over this for the entire day.

because baby, i cant believe you actually dont.

it's okay. as long as i'm around to protect you. i'm happy enough.

i'm looking forward to the trip. really.

It's me again. i cant get to slp. thinking about you.

the day you wanted a break up.

When it was time for me to move on, and carry on with my life. I did expect to miss you. but i never knew that i will still be feeling the pain. so intensely after 7 months. Why didn't i ask for a kiss. why didn't i embrace you tightly before you left. why.

Thinking about the past, brings the feeling of us being together all over again. I miss the way you hold me in your hands and ask me not to be scared. I love the way you stroke my head, comforting and sweet talking me. i love the way we did cca. i love the way we kissed. i love the way we do silly things together. i love you, darling.

Dont ever forget me, dear.

Thank you for a year and a half of memories i will never forget in my life.

i still want to try.

to make you feel for me.

will you blame me?

Baby, do you remember we sang this song in kbox together. i was looking into your eyes.

and every word i sang, was just for you.

indeed, my iife is empty. really empty and meaningless without you by my side.

the nights seem especially long without cot p anymore. with me, missing you dearly, still.

here's the song, for you. i wish i can sing it to you over again.

NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE MY LOVE FOR YOU (Glenn Medeiros)

If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong

Our dreams are young
And we both know they'll take us
Where we want to go

(Chorus 1)
Hold me now
Touch me now
I don't want to live without you

(Chorus 2)
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love

(Chorus 3)
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing's gonna change my love for you

If the road ahead is not so easy,
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too

you will always be my baby.

even though i'm no longer yours.

dear.

i know you are at a far far away place.

i know you might never return for xz again.

i'll leave this space for you.

i guess. all that we have shared. will last me for a life time.

no matter where you are, no matter where i'm.

baby, you'll always be close to my heart.

it's me. at 2.48am.

every night is a routine for me.

to blog. and go to bed.

every night is a routine for me.

to talk to you on msn.

every night is a routine for me.

where i would lie on my bed and flashbacks of the memories we shared will come back to me.

every night is a routine for me.

to miss you so dearly and think about you.

i would reflect always.

on what i'm doing.

i want to know. why. i'm always worrying about trival stuffs.

tonight, i seem to get a deeper answer to it.

it was because i feel insecure.

dear, being together with you. is the best thing that could ever, ever happen to me.

you are capable.

you are hot.

you are pretty.

you are understanding.

you are caring.

you can be sweet at times.

and certainly, i feel blessed to be able to be have you by my side always.

i feel inferior.

and i am afraid to lose you.

i was very afraid.

that was why, i became paranoid with every single thing.

that was why, i suffocated with you it.

i guess, my previous relationship.

affected me as well.

i know i should trust you. i know i should change.

and i know if i dont, i will never have you back in my life.

dear, even though you feel nothing for me now.

i'm not willing to let go.

we started off, like this as well.

i know i'll have to change. to prove to you i'm sincere about having you back in my life.

i'm trying.

i dont know. if you will feel for me eventually.

because i know u feel nothing for me now. because of all the suffocation you felt.

because you are tired.

perhaps u still do. perhaps u still do.

i dont know why i'm hanging on for.

but dear,

i promised you not to let you go.

at least i know, i've tried.

tried to change for the one i love.

i never believed in letting go of someone because i love someone.

it's precisely i love you so much.

that i want to change.

i want you to feel it again. although i'm not confident of it.

i want to give you a future.

i want to hold your hands. forever.

i'm sorry.

sorry i am not letting go of you.

but i will change.

no body knows what the future will be like, dear.

wait for me.

i hope you will wait for me.

and not have a change of heart.

i hope i wil not be too late.

xiaozhan, hao xi huan. ye hao ai ni.

laopo.

with all that we have shared, i cant possibly imagine myself with any other people.
because with you,
we have done many things. many. that many couples havent possibly done.
and i cant forget you.
I know in my heart there's no one i want, no one i wish to care for, no one i wish to love other than you.
Do you know, even now. when i see you, i can feel my heart skipping a beat.
when you smile, it seems as though my whole world is lifting up.

you are stilll very impactful, in my life.

no matter what,
i'll be here. for you.

i dream of you again.

bee, i dreamt of you again today..
we were holding hands, watching a movie. at the same b.plaza.
in the midst, we looked at each other a few times. and felt it once again.
it was sweet.
sighs.
i'm still losing sleep everynight thinking about us. about you.
iknow you want me to get over you. and move on.
sighs.
but i cant.
i cant.

you're on my mind. every now and then.
i'm suffocating.

baby can u hear.

i can feel the pulses again.

if i can feel a slight tinge of hatred now is it good.
am i supposed to be happy that i'm actually starting to have this tinge of hatred for u.

i feel so cooped up.....................



someone............................ help me......................................................................................................
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............................................................................i
i can sense it.
believe it or not.

...............................................................................................................................................................

okay. back to work. act as though u are okay................. i know you will be.

You are everything to me.

i never knew. losing something. could hurt this much.

baby.

i never knew.

even after so many months. i'm still at the same spot.

i wished.

you will return.

and tell me. all of these. is not true.

Lao.p.

against all odds.

how can i just let you walk away

just let you leave without a trace

when i stand here taking.

every breath with you.

You are the only one that really knew me.

We hve shared the laughter and the pain. and even shared the tears together.

I wish i could just make you turn around.

turn around and see me cry

there's so much i need to say to you

so many reasons why.

i only want you. and no one else.

You coming back to me. is against all odds.

sighs. i'm thinking alot about you. again.

about our past.

when i asked for your hand. i really want to hold it till the end of time.

when i asked for you to marry me.

i meant it deep from my heart.

i love you so much.

that i'm willing to protect you from everything.

it just hurts so much. dear.

after so much. we have gone through.

you still decided to let go of us.

dear.

we shared so much.

we went through so much.

cca.

keeps reappearing in my mind.

flashing again and again.

the things you said to me.

promised me.

the things we did..

Will you be touched. if you know i'm thinking of you everyday.

will you be irritated because i have not given you up at all.

will you cry for me to let you go.

will you say u dont love me. once again in my face.

i wish to go away.

and never come back.

far away...

and i'm feeling. really suic. again.

sorry. dear. i have let you enter into my heart. completely. throughout the times we

were together.

i cannot forget you. like how u can. forget abt us.

sorry.

One day when i'm gone.. i hope you 'll get to read the things.

i've written for you.

When I asked u to marry me. I really meant it.

Wo xi huan ni. Hen xi huan. Hen xi huan ni.

dear.

i'm good today. and i got by another day, without you by my side.
i miss you alot. even though i get to see you everyday.
i miss you alot. even though we talk on msn and through msg.
i miss your touch. i miss it when you call me dear.

i realised today. i could give everything up for you.
and just for you.

when we went into the lift. near the library, it was really packed.
we were facing one another. standing really close to each other.
i could feel my heart beat. racing. fast.
and an attempt to move even closer.
i hate being closed. but that moment i wished the guy beside me
will squeeze me further in. to be closer to you.
my heart beat. was beating so fast. for you.
i wish you feel the same.
the first time in sentosa, wher we stayed over. u said u wanted to give me a kiss.
did you feel the same way i did today.
racing heart beat and the strong urge to want to pull you to me.

i wished i could tell you all of these.
howi feel for you everyday.

i've cried. many times for you.
each time after crying. i tell myself i have to let you go.
dear. it's really hard.
really hard.

it's never the tears that measure the pain.
it's how much i have to fake a smile. just to show i'm okay.
in front of you. and the others.

iwantyoubadly.

One heartbreak is like a thousand lessons. Loving again is learning them.
ihaveneverbeenso persistent.

but this time around.
i know it's you that i want. in my life.



tu amor,
xz.

will you miss my presence when i'm gone.

will you regret not holding on tightly to me.

there are so many things i want to say to you.

but i do not know how.

everytime i start. talking about us.

everytime i try holding you back.

baby, u will cry.

and feel suffocated.

will you listen

to how much i love you.

baby. can u hear this.

It is not the good bye that hurts. but the flash backs that follows. every single day. every single moment you are not by my side.

i wished i cherished you more.

i wished i was special to you.

wo zhen de, hen xiang hen xiang ni.

Another day without you.

sometimes i do feel close to you when we are out. Today in the bus you asked me why i lied to you about mean score. i did not want you to be discouraged. i m concerned. i'm sorry.

at the roads when a car was coming. you held my arm. it was simple. yet i felt. safe. with you. on the car, i looked at you really near. at your face. for pimples. our eyes met. and i looked away. you came to my house. in my room. i wished so much.to hug you from the back. and say baby, i love you. the urge was so strong. to want to hold you.

i'm sure u do not know.

perhaps you treat the others like how u treat me.

perhaps i'm lying to myself. that u still do feel for me. but do not want to think about it because you are so tired. i'm sorry.

baby, i'm sorry.

i know i'm useless.

but it's so hard to give up.

to give you up.

you are all that i ever wanted. from the moment i met you.

Do you know how much your encouragement means to me.

i can do without the entire world.

but baby, not you..

iammissingyoualotnow.

can u feel it.

sorry.

sorry.
i shouldn't keep asking about how you are.
it does hurt when my care for you turns out irritating.
undesired.

i know you have a lot of thigns to do. so do i.
i've been feeling lousy. crying when i'm doign work.
jiayou.

i'll not bother you.
sorry.

it was not easy for us to fall in love.

baby, i wished you did not give me up this easily.

i wished you held on.

i wish you still love me.

like how i do, so strongly for u.

the past is the past, i need to mov on, to be able to see the future. How can i move on if the past we shared is the only thing i ever want in future

i wish i can tell you how i feel for you everynight.

baby, i wish one day you will text me and tell me you miss me. like the first time we parted.

as we have to do our pw projects. i wonder if the day will ever come. but now, it's happening

everyday in my dreams.

i know i should never feel sorry for myself. for giving you so much and knowing it may not

have reap any returns. i know deep down that i love you and i dont expect something in return. and i know i will never regret doing the things i did for you.

i read something recently. there was this couple. the girl totally lost hope to have a chance back with her dear. but eventually in the end, her dear started loving her back as well. i wonder when will such sweet thing happen to me. or rather if i deserve them.

i will always be here to keep you safe. i'll be safe to keep you out of trouble. when you are vexed. had supper with you at mos burger today. it was a short meet-up. but it met alot to me.

because every minute i have with you, i'm treasuring it so much. baby, if there is this one day i did not text you. will you text me to ask how i'm. and not about any school related stuff.

perhaps, i should not be so uptight about you. i should let you go for awhile.

perhaps then will you realised my importance in your life.

and i want to know how impt i'm to you as well.

it's never possible to find someone who will never hurt me.

and i've decided to find someone worth all the pain.

to me, you are my world.

i dont know how long i'll wait and love you.

but it seems to get stronger with each and every day.

i miss the times we hug.

especially in the cold and windy night.

do you remember we had a quarrel at the riverside. that day after you collected your working attire. we made up at the riverside. and i hugged you. baby, it was chilly. but i felt warm in my heart.

i wish something will happen to me. so that i can hold your hands on the hospital bed.

and wake up seeing you around.

xz hao ai hao ai ni.

can u feel me.

I can feel my love for you. so strongly.T

Today, i would rate myself 8/10. went out with bee to study. spent almost half a day together. i like the feeling of studying with you. it gives me happiness. dear, do you remember how u used to want me to hold your hands when you read your notes at the cc? i wish i could do the same today.

i wish i was smarter so that i can help you with your questions. today's dinner was sweet. it was simple. dining. but made special because it was with you. i can feel the closeness between us again. the exact same happiness i felt whenever you were by my side in the past. i can feel it so much today. while crossing the road today, a car came turning suddenly into the alley. my first instinct was to protect you. and i touched your thighs. how i wished it wasn't your thighs i touched but your hands. sigh. but dear, i'll always protect you. no matter what happens. even if it means having to sacrifice myself to keep you safe. i'll do it willingly. just for you.

i love seeing how you play games. and i love sitting beside you. when you do.

but silly you always like to bite your nails. i'll be there always to stop you yes.

but i'm happy. because you dont bite it in front of others.

are you feeling very comfortable and at ease with me?

i can feel the feelings coming back.

strongly.

can you?

sigh saw the photograph where he was sitting so close to you.

i felt so jealous.

so jealous that i was pissed.

sorry.... i know. i should not be like this.

but baby, i.

can you feel my love today.

jiayou in your webcast.

i love you.

dear i'm sorry.

dear, i'm sorry.

i thought getting her to take the same thing as you was right.

so that you can have company.

but now you end up being so stressed up. =(

dear sorry.

i wish i can share your burden.

i wish i can be smarter so that i can help you in all that you need.

but that is one reason why i like you.

it's because you never will hand up slip shot work. and will always want to strive for perfection.

wo xi huan ni. de ren zhen.

i'm here.

always.

Dear, can you feel it.

i'm good today. good today. :)

was supposed to eat xlb buffet with you... but in the end it was changed to.

even though we had dinner with them. i dont know why my eyes could not be taken off you.

the whole time during dinner.

you look really pretty today.

even though, it was just simple tee shirt and shorts.

but i like you. like that.

i like you, who always dreads to do work.

i like you, who always craves for food.

i like you, who always do silly things to make me laugh.

Took a bus with you back home. it was an excuse to send you home.

can you feel it?

had a really strong impulse to give you a peck on your cheeks or stroke the sides of your hands.

and even to ask you to lie on my shoulders. because you were sleeping in such an awkward and painful position. however, i did not have the courage to.

your smile. keeps me going.

ever since the first time we met.

even till now.

i'm missing you alot now.

have you slept?

最熟悉 陌生人. are we destined to be.

dear, sorry. i know today i've failed again.

sorry for giving you empty promises that i will move on. sorry for not being able to let go of you.

The video is beautiful. It really how i feel. for you. for us. for this relationship.

Knowing even if i wait for you and try my best to get you back by my side, will be tough and impossible. but i still want to try it. sigh.

i dont know how to tell you dear, that actually i have not given you up. or let you go.

i dont want to see the sorrows in your eyes.

That night, we met up. it was so long since you cried this badly.

i know it has been tough on you. i know i'm a great burden in your life.

my heart was hurting very badly that night. dear. do u know.

you were crying so badly. you wanted me to give you up so badly.

you wanted me to be matured. to move on. to be sensible.

dear. i wished you could hear what i have to say.

i'm trying. i dont know when i have opened up my heart for you to enter.

after the last relationship, i thought my heart was dead.

i thought i could not love anymore.

untill i met you in my life. slowly, i started opening my heart. to you.

and now. you have decided to leave my life.

dear. i'm sorry.

i wanted to say i love you. so badly. but i could only muster. the courage.

to hug you. tightly. it was a short hug. but. it was important. i could feel you. i wish.

i dont have to let you go. but i know. i have to.

Sat by the staircase and cried. for really long. and walked to the playground and sat there. for really long too. i remember how i found u last time. when you decided to hide away from me.

i hugged you at the void deck. and asked you to promise me not to do it. I wish you will come looking for me baby.

i'm sorry. baby.

i want you so badly.

i still do mind alot about you. think alot about you. care alot for you.

i cant walk alone.

baby, are you happy. w/o me.

cried the entire night. even till this morning.

my heart has never hurt so much.

i have never felt so suicidal.

perhaps the last thing i can do for you.

is to let go of your hands.

i'll leave your life from today onwards.

dear.

i hope you will not forget me.

i hope you will not find someone else so soon.

i hope.

one day.

you will realise you were wrong.

i love you. and.

goodbye.

i did a first cut.

itbroughtawaythepain. for that one instant.

i'm happy.

it hurts so much.

It hurts so much to hear. the harsh cruel reality.

it seems to hit me so hard.

" what if i go into a r/s with someone else"

why does it hurt so much.

why do the people i love. have to treat me like this.

all the time.

i feel like.

ending this.

life.

i've reached my max. dear.

i'm crying once again.

dear i need you so much.

i'm so afraid i'll go crazy. one day. i'm so afraid.

dear said she cannot take all of my nonsense anymore.

she doesn't like people controlling her.

even if it means moving away from me. she doesn't mind.

all these words have been resounding in my head.

i got the impulse to leave everything behind.

even you. dear.

my presence.

does not means anything.

and it hurts.

true love hurts.

it does.

Wo hao ai ni.

I wonder how are you.

i wonder if you reached home.

wonder if you had fun.

wonder if i crossed your mind even for that short while.

But i guess i did not.

it has been 5 hours. and not a single message from dear.

i feel down. dear.

can you hear me.

the words you said keeps appearing in my mind.

The reason you cant communicate with me.

The reason why you cannot talk to me that easily as compared to the others.

my heart hurts. dear.

am i really that lousy. to you.

i can accept your flaws. but i know you cannot accept me for who i am.

it's upsetting. becos the person i love so much and am willing to lay my life for.

does not accept me for who i'm. nor understands me.

i need someone to talk to.

This is overwhelming me.

baby, can u hear me.

i wish you could.

175 days without you, baby.

baby, i'm sorry. i know i fared badly today.

i know i shouldn't have lost my temper.

But i just cant get used to you, being so nice and chatting with guys like this. sigh.

you asked me why am i like this. why do i have this mindset.

how i wished i could hug you then at that moment. and not talk.

years ago, i was not like this. but the moment i broke up with him. i realised he had already

been chatting alot through sms and online and going very closely to her . and yes, the day we broke up they got together.

i dont know why i'm always this paranoid now. because i'm so afraid the same thing will happen again. i know i trust you alot alot. but. sigh. It has been weighing on my heart since then. i'm sorry baby. i'm sorry you have to go through so much because of me. my mindset. i was really deeply hurt.

Woke up really early and drove to your house today. walked the entire market, not knowing what to buy. But in the end i queued for something i always see you eating. the 10 sticks of carrot cake. I just want to do so many things for you. so many. i just want to be good to you. I just want to make you feel loved, baby.

I hope you are not angry with me again. i know i'm still very possessive of you. but it's because i love you and i want you. i'm sorry, love.

Today, there are so many moments i felt like holding onto your hands. i didn't dare to. my eyes could not be taken off you, especially today. with the shirt you wore. u are always this attractive baby. do you know? today i took the laptop over from your hands. and i did it slowly so that i could touch the warm hands. of you baby. i'm happy i got to see you again.

i'll change for you and i'm still trying. i can feel myself being sweeter to you. can you feel my love?

Am i improving?

Wo hao xiang ni. How are you doing now?

Are you missing and thinking about what i'm doing as well?

BABY. .I LOVE YOU.

174 days without you, dear.

Dear, i am good today. Because i did not show any bad face or throw tantrums even though i waited and it came to nothing. I can feel the strong determination to change for you.

Every night, i look at our pictures and wonder why i did not hold you on tightly and let you just slip past me like this.

Can you still remember the love we shared?

Can you still remember the times u hugged me from the back?

I can. I can feel your hug. even now. when i close my eyes.

i can feel your breathing. your warmth.

Dear, you must have a lot of fun today. Rest well alright?

good night. I'll change. I'll.

I missed you alot today. Even more than before.

Baby, i hope you will be touched by my sincerity and love for you. one day.

Xoxo, I love you.

dear, i'm so proud of you.

168th day without dear.

13-march 2009

dear, i'm so proud of you. you have never fail to make me feel proud of you always. In sch, it was sports and now. you have found a new area of interest. you were gleaming with confidence on stage. you were shinning so brightly. deep down, i feel proud dear. It was the first time i saw you dance on stage actually. And i am deeply attracted by you so much. once again. I wish to tell you how pretty you looked that evening. i wish to tell you i was there beneath the crowd watching your performance. i wish to hold your hands so much that night and tell everyone dear is mine.

that is how proud i felt, of you.

felt really sick. and i wished he was not by my side. because deep down, i long for you baby. It has been long. I remembered how you were by me whenever i have gastric pain, whenever i couldn't breathe properly. whenever my migraine acts up. it was your shoulders and presence that made me going. but i felt empty that night.

dear, i miss you alot.

i will try my best to change.

because then will i be worthy to ask for your hands again. to walk the rest of our lives.

it's 168 days without you love.

and i'm happy i survived another day today.